Modern Day Cupid

Sometimes, I feel like I am a star finder. Not sure why, but I always hang out with stars. They may not be stars when they first hang out with me, but over time they always turn into one. I am also left on the side lines as they make and, then they forget about me. Stars hang out with stars, and sense I am not a star, I get left out in the end.

Someone like me, Who lost her VIRGINITY on camera, could ever be a star. It is sad, that I had to lose it on film in the first place. I do thank the heavens they invented rope. 

I still feel like the modern day Cupid. I can find people for people perfectly with my eyes closed, but at the end of the day it is just me and God. 

Yes, I have and had dreams of being a Entertainer. Now, I am not sure if that can happen. I don't feel like I have any talent and I am not sure why the world finds me beautiful. A part of me feels like people are just acting that way, because they feel sorry for my DUMB ASS.

I look at these beautiful people around me, and I am thankful to be around them but at the same time, a part of me wishes I could fly in their circle after I helped them find it. That is my greed talking, and I hate it. When your always left out in end, it makes you feel that way. 

I am the kind of DRAMA creating person, even though I don't want it. I have always been Dramatic even though it has never has helped me out in my life, unless I am on stage doing a play. I miss being on stage, even if it is just a stripper stage. I miss the live environment of people and the music and of course* & my favorite part, Dancing.

It sucks when your born singing before you can speak. I just enjoy singing and pleasing others, anyway I can. I am at the point in my life where I can't tell if it is the end of the beginning. A part of me is waiting for my Virginia to break again and then my life will spiral down into the pits of HELL again. 

Its so scary, the idea of not being able to FUCK. I have been there for 22 years of my life and I don't want to go there again. I would rather die and that is where I am at now. 

I stared into the lights of the cars yesterday. I thought about walking into them. I would not EVER do it, but a part of me wanted to for a brief moment. Being Psychic is harder then anyone could ever imagine. It sucks being able to read people and then they know you can. I love listening to peoples secrets on life but then at the end of the day, my secrets are still hidden.

I don't want to bore the world with my stupid problems that NO one else ever has. Even though it still eats at my mind, even when I sit here. Sure, its easy to say - Just forget about it. 

When your life revolves around sex and for so long SEX is what held you back, IT COMPLICATES things.  I love sex, and I love fucking, and all I can do is tell myself it wont happen again. 

Everyday I wake up and I try to fix my broken self but when your alone it is hard and it takes more time to heal. Who cares about my problems though. Honestly LOL! I try to forget about them, but I get reminded of them if I fuck to much. 

I am just a old soul trapped in this stupid avatar. I do my hardest to make my avatar look appealing. I have many flaws and being a psychic super NERD, does not help.

I wish someone would talk to me, be honest and say - Yay or Nay to my simple questions. 

1. Do I entertain you in a good way      &      2. Do I have what it takes to do something Extra Ordinary with my life

The more I am trapped on the side lines, the more I feel like the answer is, No. 

I know positive thoughts attract positive outcomes but I keep seeing my positive thoughts help others but at the end of the day, I am still here & alone. I do feel helped but alone at the same time, because I am. 

Used and hung out to dry, I feel like most of the time. I am to fucked up to have a relationship. I talk & FUCK to much, to be able to hold one down. It is depressing for me because I like to be around people. I don't know what answer I want more. Yes or NO.

Yes - I have talent and people do kinda like me    or   No - I have no talent and people are pretending to care

I don't know which is the right answer, because no one ever tells me anything. Based on what is happening to me now, I have something someone wants and I hope its more then just my tight pussy. If I have no talent, I would like to be told that I don't instead of being lead to believe I do. 

No one around me is motivated to make music with me, and maybe that is because my presence annoys the world. I will still make music by myself and with God.  I just wish my sexual super powers could attract a band who just wants to Sing & Fuck. I don't even care, if I am not the singer in the band, because my soul will sing.