Breathing

I walk up the stairs and I see all my stuff neatly packed away in boxes. I smile and say to God, "Wow this life was fucking amazing, as hard as the lesson you showed me was, I was still able to make it out alive!"

Smiling as tears start to stream down my face again. Crying, from a mixture of being ashamed and happy. Happy that I got to serve God but ashamed because the world sees me as a slut. I don't mind being a slut. A slut is a simple sign of sexual freedom and life. God showed me this at a young age and I have learned to love, even the most sicking of creatures. 

I have fucked with dragons and made love to angles. I like them both because they are different from each other but they both think they are the ones that are right. Its hard to judge anyone anymore when you realize the steps they had to take to get there in the first place!

For instance, this Max Hardcore guy that many love to hate and love. I don't hate him because I realized the day I meet him that he was the way he was, who he was, for a reason. Plus, the older you get, the more DIRTY, you get. Come on now, we all know this to be true. SHIT GETS OLD! So you look for NEW more interesting things to get you Off. Most of what Max is known for, I wont do on camera. I don't feel like that is my calling in life, to show the world that I am the only girl in the world that will enjoy doing gross shit. 

God thought me to enjoy everything in life.

I have stopped eating for two months know and each day that inches closer I feel my bones start to sink into my skin. I smile feeling it because I know, when I die I will be with God again. Do I really want to die? Not really but right now I can't even hold food in my stomach. Even water even comes up. I cry nonstop and I have not had sleep for two weeks.

I am not on any hardcore drugs because they don't do anything to me. All they do is numb you. That is it, and I hate that numb feeling. That is how my body feels now, naturally though. I feel cold most the time and I am always thinking of ways to turn myself on to make myself warm again.

Each time I see my boxes, I almost want to jump out the window and fly and see if my wings work yet. God, I know in my dreams I can fly because I have done it. You showed me how to fly and so much more. I am ready to fly know and I miss you so much. A part of me still wants to live in this world though, to feel more people and to feel loved.

I am still scared of love but I think I am ready for it because I am still sitting here breathing for life and that must mean something right?