Ciggies

I had my first and last cigarette yesterday. A part of me wanted to try one because I have never tried one before. The result is something disturbing. 

I understand why people smoke all the time now, because when you smoke it gives you a short feeling of airlessness but then it goes away as fast as it arrives. Coming down from this feeling is worse then having the short five minute high. 

What I learned about cigarettes, is even more saddening. Why do people use them? To get away from the feelings, of course. The stress the culture places on us, helps the use of cigarettes grow.

Cigarettes gets rid of the feelings of fear and judgement. At first it feels good, but are the after affects worth it? 

They cost way to much money and they make you smell funny, I have come to find. They also trigger your mind into thinking you need one, all the time. I hate having urges like this.  

What is even sicker, is these are the things america sells the public. Instead of selling drugs that do nothing but promote peace, love and light, that are indeed illegal. 

Cigarettes and alcohol go hand in hand, they both take away feelings. Why are we as a nation so drawn to get high, smoke and drink?

This nation is fucked up! Instead of focusing our energy on love and helping each other, everyone is focused on themselves. They are focused on their greed and what they want.  

Eros

When I thought not a single person on the planet truly cared, you came along. You turned on the light in a pitch black room. When I told the universe I wanted to die because there was no way I could show the world the love I had in my heart, you stopped me. I never thought I would find another soul with wings but I did. Your teaching me  how to live again but this time, really living. It is so nice knowing that there is someone else like yourself out there. Sure, there is plenty people out there who say, they care, but when you ask them the deep dark questions of the universe they are afraid to go there. Afraid to question the rules of society. It is so nice to share the truth with someone else who is not afraid of it. I never thought I would find another seeker of truth. Someone who can see past the rules and question the laws. Someone who will go in deep just to go in deeper. I use to think my mission was impossible which is why I wanted to die so badly. You have inspiration that I have never seen before in another person except for myself.  The inspiration for a better brighter world. The inspiration that there can be a better world. For these reasons you have healed me. 

feelings

Drugs, Cigarettes, and Alcohol, all three things we use to get away. Even people who are sober and have never tried these substances uses the fact that they have never used them to get away from the true feelings.  

BS Bombing

I kept noticing flags hung at half staff right before the Boston bombing. I asked a few people and they, as always, did not seem to notice or care. I find it odd that people where flying their flags at half staff before the bombing accrued. 

This is just a few signs I noticed before it happened. I have been sensing something like this was going to happen. I hope we can learn from this and grow into a more loving nation. Though in my opinion this was staged. This was done to jump start the nation into creating more controlling laws. 

Back to Life

The moment I felt my mirror of self reflection break, I felt alive again. A invisible force that was wrapped around my mind, body and soul let go when I broke it. I smiled knowing the beast no longer had its nets wrapped around my body. My original views and goals began to start flowing threw my blood again. 

Before I broke the mirror, I was dead. That was all that was on my mind. I saw this world and all its problems and I felt buried by them. The mud from the culture was all over my body. The mud was covering my soul and I was drowning in it. 

I could not see past my problems. I was fighting with my duality every second. I felt like I failed the world. I got into porn to show people true love and I thought I failed. I did not fail though, but before my mirrors where broken, all I saw was failure. 

Yes, I had Vaginismus, that caused me much pain in all my scenes. I wanted so badly to fuck and show the world the love I had in my heart, that I enjoyed the pain. I thought and was told many times that the pain was a normal part of sex. I finally found out, that was not the case and trained myself to control the illness.  Now I can fuck with no pain but I won't fuck in porn anymore. The money is not worth it to me and never was. I want to fuck guys who like me and guys who I like now. 

You can't find Love in porn. Love has been ripped out of porn. That also means you can't show the world Love threw porn. My mission was a failure to begin with, but I thought I could do it and tried. Porn has become Toxic like the rest of the world. The only way this world and porn can be saved is threw Love.

I soon realized fucking in porn is not going to save anything or anyone. A part of my soul really wanted to try again though, which is why I came back as Aaliyah Avatari. A new name with a new soul, hoping second chances would be given and they where. I only did one boy girl and girl girl scene but they where magical. I had no pain and the people where so kind. A part of me knew my past would come back and bite me and it did.

My super spiritual friends came back into the light and brought me back. I fought back as hard as I could screaming "Let me do this!" But the Universe had other plans. I soon accepted my new path and had to leave my old one behind. A part of me still felt like I failed because, I never became wanted by the industry, but that is fine. I know in the light of the universe, I did not fail. Love and pain was shown in all my scenes and I have no regrets!

Now I have the rest of my life to spend in the spiritual light and helping other people who are lost find their way back into the light. Love, peace, and light!

Dream World

My eyes are closed as I don't feel like opening them. Another day, I want to spend in the Dream world. The Dream world seems more alive to me at this moment. I can feel my heart beat and half my soul wants it to stop but the other half is happy it is still beating.

A part of me feels blessed that I have life that the Universe granted me. Many people would love to have the shell that holds my soul. I know this and I wish I could give it to someone who needs it more. Sense that can not happen, I will use it to try to help them. That is why my heart is still beating. I have decided to try to use the last bit of motivation of life I have to try to make a difference. 

I want to help all the souls that are stuck in the same boat as me. Floating on a sea of stress and living in a careless world. My dark brown eyes grows darker as I scan the world trying to figure out how to help it. 

I know I am still sick myself but the sickness I have is the illness of whether to stick around or not. Honestly, I can't bring myself to kill myself because that is a selfish act that I can't do. At the same time, each bite of food I chew I can feel the life being brought back into my soul. I count the time, and know I just extended my life by another 48 hours. 

I am not scared of death because a part of me wants it and I know one day I will get it. Living in the world the way it is now though is hard when you know it can be a better place. 

We all know deep down we can make this planet better but people refuse to try because they only care about themselves. Everyone is stuck behind their own mirrors of self reflection they can't see past it. 

I can see many worlds and dimensions on how things could be. I guess this is the true heart of my depression. Being psychic for me has always caused me deep depression. Knowing things before they happen and then watching them happen and not changing the outcome is sicking at times.

What do I do though? There is no guide book for psychics. I hate trying to tell people about the future because most of the time, that will cause the future to happen faster because they think about it all the time, that causes it to happen. 

I'm a shy person and when it comes to announcing to random strangers that I am psychic, I have problems doing it. I kept the fact I was psychic secret the hole time I did porn. 

Now the cat is out of the bag. I have quit porn because I have finally realized that I can't succeed in that business.  :)

Hints another big wave of depression because a few months ago I wanted to fuck my way back up the porn star ladder. Now, I am writing a book. Funny how the Universe pops in and makes sure you do whatever your meant to do. 

Denny's

Another day, where I wake up and one second I want to live and the next I want to die.  This duality is playing rampage on my soul. I feel so split, I can't even imagine how to glue myself back together.  

Another strange thing happened to me, today when I was at Denny's. I was sipping on my coffee and two men approached us. They asked Dan if it was ok if they prayed for us. 

A part of me wanted to scream.. No! The part of me that regrets help, because I would rather help people then be helped myself, wanted to say no. I said Yes though, I could sense their willingness to help me and deep down I knew I needed it.

I stand now, as a soul that has many bites in it. I have been shredded apart from the world, left to rot and die. The universe though, has been acting as a defibrillator and every time my heart is about to stop, it jump starts it back up again. 

I kind of feel like everything I really want, is not achievable. The reason why I say this is because, I wanted to die more then anything, I ever wanted before. As a result the Universe has shown me these magical miracles to keep my mind stimulated enough to stick around and stay alive. 

Every time I see a UFO, I know they are watching me and are waiting for my report on he planet which right now, it gets a big fat F. Just the thought of creating another life on this planet makes me sick. I would hate to have a psychic baby in a world that ignores esp. 

These two men prayed for me at the Dennys.  This young man with bright blue eyes the color of the ocean, sat next to me and prayed for me. The next guy who had longer hair sat by Dan and prayed for us and for our journey. 

Sitting there listening to them pray for us, I got stimulated and became very happy they could sense our presence. We are not alone I thought. Tears formed in my eyes when they left. I was stuck inside a black and white world but people are aware of us. This deep dark lonely feeling of loneliness is getting sucked away again by people who really care..

The more I see and feel their presence, it helps me gather the strength to not waist away and die.