Working to Live

Some days I wake up with the dream of death playing over and over in my head. Like a sick disease that I am fighting to beat. All my dreams up until this point in my life has been shattered. I am working on my last one which includes writing, but I am so use to them being shattered, I freeze when I write sometimes. Is this going to work.

"Why should I keep going?" I ask the Universe

Then the Universe reminds me of the beautiful animals on this planet. They don't judge, and they don't have egos. When I look at my own kind I get sick because I know they are sick. I want to try to help them, not be so sick.

I feel like your dog or cat that nuzzles you when you feel down or upset. All I have ever wanted was to do was bring more love into this loveless planet. When you keep failing doing the only thing you want to do, life becomes dead.

I feel the hunger in soul, as it reminds me that I am still alive. Another day has begun and another day to try to bring more smiles on the broken faces.

At the end of the day I will return to my lonely cave and hope one day, a army of lovers will come and help rescue this sick race as it will take more then me to make this planet pure again.

Lilith

I become a mirror when a guy looks at me. I become what ever image he wants me to become. I fold into his mind and unlock his heart. I feel myself become part of his image as he looks into my eyes. I feel his heart beat within my own. Each lie he tells me, cracks the mirror more and more until it shatters around his feet. My image breaks the more he looks into his own eyes. I turn into the one thing he fears. Himself. I am Lilith. On the hunt for one Man who can look into my eyes with no lies.

I am Lilith

Perfection is slaughtered on this planet. They slaughtered Jesus and now they have slaughtered me. I am no longer afraid of the truth because it is out now. I had Vaginismus confirmed by Eric Swiss. Believe it or not, I have defeated this evil condition. Mind over matter, & I did it! Too bad I did not know I had it when I lost my virgnity and I might be a famous pornstar now.

My Pornstar dreams crashed down, as no one will shoot me now that I am considered a RISK. This has brought out my inner Goddess. Nothing like having your real dreams and sexual desires slaughtered before you where able to really use them. Yes, I call myself Lilith. Why? Because I am.

After 12/31/2012 Lilith entered my soul and is now a part of me. I share her old memories and now I am back. At first I wanted to die because all of this was to much for me to handle at first, but now I am getting use to being a Goddess.

 

moving on

Yesterday I saw a really cool military chopper and red plane circle where I am living at. Right, when I thought the helicopters and airplanes was going to stop. I should of known better then to think they would stop showing me signs to hurry up and get this book out. A part of me is still split from all the sad knews of the agency not working out. I wanted to shoot some girl/girl scenes bad but it seems like that will not happen. The Universe is calling me to become a writer and forever quit porn and leave it in the dust.

It is hard quitting something you really want to do. I mean, at this point I have no choice but to quit. I can't force a agency to work with me and as of know, not a single agency will represent me. After experiencing ladirect I don't think there is a agency that can even compare to them. They gave me plenty of work and they are the best agency in the biz for sure. I just wish I did not screw my chances up with them.

As much as being psychic is fun it is also a pain in the ass. It ruined my porn career and now I am forced by nature to pursue something else. I am feeling better about everything. Being around another psychic helps and is the only reason why I am still here.

Sick World

The Adult Industry is sick like the world. I joined it hoping to have a great sex life and show the world free love. My Dreams got shattered and now they are dead. I wish there was some way to heal this hurt sooner. I am writing this book as a way to vent all the pain that almost brought me to my death.

I can finally say, I quit porn for good now. I joined one last agency in hopes that I could somehow find my way back in. I was just told, because of my fake boobs and name changes no one will work with me. They then dropped me because not one person wanted to book me.

Sick to my stomach, I will Carrie on. Rage in my eyes and hate in my heart. That is what the adult industry does to FREE LOVERS. They turn them into a sex machine to only out date them and then create a new one and send the old one to the junk yard. I love the Junk yard and I am use to it now.

I know I can't return now and I feel free. I miss the sex and all the people I met, but I understand its over now. To all my fans, please know that the industry is how you make it. So please stop getting bored with girls who are not new. There is so many girls who are used just like me and they need your support!

I wish I could of shown you all the free love I had to offer now that I am fixed, but it won't happen so I will have to do with this book.

Alien Sex

Let me just say one thing about the adult industry and it is this. IT SUCKS! It is so hypocritical. I have another life outside porn, so it does not bother me as much now, but I am told this by my new agency.

"Your to famous for Amateur work" and then, "Your not famous enough for big shoots" " Which equals out too, you will not be working at all"
I just smile, because I am use to not working at this point but kinda sexually frustrated at the same time. I wanted to do girl/girl shoots so badly because I miss pussy and now my outlet to do so, does not work. I tried though, I really did. Lucky for me though, I am finding fans and friends that I can buddy up with and have sex with.

Moving onto the NEXT Point!

ALIEN SEX IN THE NEWS!!!!
http://jimromenesko.com/2013/03/21/huffington-post-seeks-people-who-have-had-sex-with-aliens/

Seems like the alien sex trend is starting! Finally, after I came out with the Truth that I lost my Real Virginity to Alien Sex when I was 15. It feels good to finally let the truth out. Even though the Truth makes me look NUTS! It is fine though! I love being the Nut girl, I would rather have nuts then no nuts. Life is way more fun when your not trying to be normal like everyone else. I am myself now and you either take it or leave it.

I'm I one of the 15 people mentioned ? YOU BET!

more Helicopters

After the news article in Ocala FL, http://www.clickorlando.com/news/UFOs-puzzle-Ocala-residents/-/1637132/19294910/-/j9j961/-/index.html 

A place which I can't wait to return to one day, I have been secretly *not really lol* Been working on probability shifting more helicopters to appear. My closest friends and people who are close to me are starting to see them now too. Not only that, but they are flying right over their heads!

Last nite we had a helicopter fly over the house with the spot light on us. I waved and smiled because I thought it was funny and cute at the same time. Today, one of my closest friends said they had a helicopter do the same thing! GREAT, I thought my experiment is working so far. I just hope the rest of the world starts seeing the helicopters and planes more too!

I love science experiments and ever sense I was young I would do them. My old experiments involved mind reading but these are much more fun! Seeing helicopters and planes fly around you all day is much more enjoyable then training someone to read your mind. Yes, that is all I did from 16 til I was 20 years old. I was so close to proving mind reading, when my last trainee flaked because he did not want to be seen as a freak. To bad so sad, because I like being a freak. 

Now I have a New psychic partner who is way more motivated and is teaching me stuff! Not the other way around, which is how I am use to it being. As much as I want to blog more, I have a book to write and it is haunting me every moment of every day now, screaming in my ear ! " GET ME DONE.. or GIT R DUN" in my southern mind. 

The System

THE SYSTEM IS CLOGGED UP WITH TOO MANY RULES. HUMAN BEHAVIOR IS GETTING TOO COMPLICATED TO REGULATE. OUR WESTERN SOCIAL SYSTEM IS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE!

My Normal Day

Seeing UFOs and Birds flying in all sorts of ways are becoming my new normal. Not that I am upset. My old normal was not as fun but normal people seemed normal to me. I kinda miss that sometimes.

Now all the normal people that was normal to me before is no longer normal. I can read right threw them and they don't interest me at all now because they are trapped behind the mirror of self reflection. I know I need to care for them but it is hard.

I saw birds flying in a tornado outside my window yesterday. It was great! I tried to capture it on camera for you all but when it zoomed it focused on the glass  :(  Maybe Next time I will have better luck!

A Happy Green Day!

My deep depression on how much this world sucks is starting to fade away now, because I am starting to feel naturally happy for once! No drugs, no entertainment, just plain old natural happiness. I am starting to realize that I found another psychic like myself and the magic we can do together is endless!

Growing up I did so many magical things but always had a bit of doubt in the back of my mind because I could not find anyone else like me doing it. I got really lonely living in two worlds. The only friends I had was the Inorganic beings who thought me many things. *smiles*

The more people we can wake up the more the world will change! I wish I could help the world change over night but it is going to take a ton more effort then wishing. I am working as hard as I can to get off my dead bones and write this book the universe wants.

I am living in the center of Hell right now, where everyone is trying to drag me away from the task at hand. It is hard, I see so many pornstars everyday and a part of me wants to be in that world again, but I got another world that is calling me more now.  I miss the porn world but it does not miss me and I need to keep reminding myself this.

The world I am in now is more spiritual and involves UFOs on a daily bases and is much funnier at the end of the day because the people do care and remember you for who you really are and not a dollar sign. $*

Saved

For the first time in a long time I am naturally Happy. Something Psychiatric drugs could never do. The last thoughts I had in the hospital, as I was starving myself to death, I thought. Put these tubes down my throat and try to keep me alive because I will make sure the power goes out so I can die!

Lucky for me, that did not happen, I got saved by a Priest! With his teachings and my psychic abilities no longer causing me pain, life is great! I see Ufos all the time now which that is fun. They keep reminding me, I got a mission to do, to get this book out asap!

I work on this book everyday and it is starting to come together. My Happiness is starting to come back too, NATURALLY WITHOUT DRUGS!

So as you can see, anyone can be saved by someone who cares!

Duality

I am half here and half not
I am half white and half black
I am not here one second and here the next
I am in one world and I am also in another
I am listening and I am not
I am happy and at the same time sad
I am ready and not ready
I am alive and I am also dead

The Hackers

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Third Prediction

Even though I did not predict the helicopter and plane UFOs. I have been seeing them for months now. Way before the FL OCALA sighting. I am sure they will keep popping up in more areas. This will be my Third prediction, brought to you by, The Inorganic Beings.

UFO Helicopters

Just as I was thinking the UFO Activity around me was settling down I received this article

http://www.clickorlando.com/news/UFOs-puzzle-Ocala-residents/-/1637132/19294910/-/j9j961/-/index.html

I found out that my Helicopter UFOs have moved back to FL, Where I was born and originally from.

I then took a walk outside feeling called, and sure enough there was a Helicopter aka UFO aka Inorganic being flying over the house. It circled it twice and if I had a camera would have been proof.

I just let it happen this time and as usual I thought to myself how funny it is to see them again and how other people are starting to notice them know.

Maybe more and more people will keep seeing this Helicopters , I hope! Even though I consider myself Helicopter Lady because I have seen about 50 and I got a longer list number then everyone else!

ATOM BOMB STRIKE

My shaman teacher (Nagual) has had an unpleasant psychic vision.  He saw a small,but still deadly Atom Bomb set off in Western Europe or the United States. It will be a planted terrorist nuclear device, most likely near a coastal seaport. A very horrible event, Unfortunately my own psychic mind and visions, knows he is correct. 

SUN is OUT!

Nothing like waking up and finding all these NEW SUN ARTICLES on the NEWS to brighten my day. I Love the sun and it does not take a scientists to figure that one out. I also stare into the sun all the time and it feels good.

My pineal gland loves the sun shining into it feeding it with more truth from all the lies that plague this planet like rats.

Please check out how the sun is calm right now
http://www.drudgereport.com/ * http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2290289/NASA-warns-unexpected-happening-Sun-year-supposed-peak-sunspot-cycle.html

Very nice :)

You see, me and the sun have a secret relationship and part of it is, if I am bipolar crazy, so is the sun. Good News for the world. I am no longer Bipolar and I am way calmer now, which is why the sun is calm.

I was Bipolar one and on a bunch of drugs that did nothing but turn me into a slug. Now I am off the meds and better then I was when I was on them. The Psyche Meds are horrible for spiritual people and I don't recommend them to anyone.

I study natural healing ways to not have to use the drugs and they work!

I am way better now even though a part of me still wants to do girl/girl porn because I miss pussy, but some things in life you can't have.

Right now, no agency will work with me because I am SPACEY like LADY GAGA. To bad they don't see the connection or they would change their minds. It is fine though. I really never did porn for the money and even though money is needed, I don't need it enough to really push myself harder to find porn work.

People are like, "be your own agent," but with my plate right now, I don't have time to write a book and find myself shoots.

Anyway, read that article about the SUN because believe it our not, WE ARE BUDDIES!

What Porn Thought me

This is why porn sucks. After going threw all the pain and bull shit I went threw. Not one single Agency in South LA will work with me. Yes, I have quit B/G porn for personal reasons but a part of me still wants to do G/G. I love girls and to be honest, I swing more to women now then I do men. I use to be fully Bi, but all men have ever done to me is piss and shit in my face and women don't do that as much.

I have asked every agency, which there is about 12 and all 12 said " We know your old rep is not good so we refuse to work with you " 

I had fucking pussy problems because I lost my FUCKING VIRGINITY in the BUSINESS!  I am fine now and it works, but no one gives a FUCK. They all Judge my past and they don't care about future chances. No one even wants to give me a second chance. I guess I used all my chances :(

People wonder why I almost killed myself. This was my Dream when I got into porn. 

* I wanted to show the world what real love, passion and sex was. I just wanted to show the real world the real thing. I feel in my heart that love should not be limited. I feel by sexually expressing myself, this was the way to do it. At the end of the day all the energy made from sex goes back into the circle of life. If I can help start a new sex energy trend where people love more without limits then I will feel complete! *

Now I am a writer, which has always been my dream as well but I do miss the sex I got from porn.

I wanted to try to get back in, just doing G/G but no one will give me a chance, which I am use to that know. This world sucks the way it is now. 

That is why I wanted to die on 12/31/2012. I saw the world on how it really is and how no body really truly cares.

I do care, but that makes me a loser in the world, the way it is now. People who care, get shit on and the people who don't care, they live a free, fake, stress-less life. 

People ask me what porn has thought me and it has thought me that, If you want to find a place where no one cares if your DEAD or not. PORN is the place to go. I am sure there was many people hoping I died, but guess what BITCHES, I am still here! :)

 

Drones

I feel very calm right now. As if the Inorganic Beings are showing me with love, peace, and light. Even after I heard that Obama has Ok'ed the use of Drones to Kill any human they feel is a terrorist  To Bad the Drones will not work on me! The inorganic beings in the end control the technology, so I am not scared one bit. I do feel bad for the people that they will kill to try to get us all to be scared.

This is another reason why I hate this planet. All this fussing and fighting over control. The government wants to take back the world and they are going to fail. The Third Eye mission will prevail and they will lose. It is just a matter of time. You can watch this unfold here  http://www.c-span.org/Live-Video/C-SPAN2/

UFO Bird

What happened today was unexpected. I finally had a nice sleep and when I woke up, there were clouds everywhere blocking the sun.

I hated it at first, I was pissed off that I could not stare into the sun this morning. A part of me was happy that I got some deep sleep for once so I decided from that point on to be optimistic about everything. I was ok with the clouds and the rain. Deep down I knew the world needed it so I was cool with it.

I don't want to turn these psychic events into a just a cheap side show. Even though I still grab the camera to shoot this stuff for you, I know it may not mean anything to many people. But it's hard not to want to prove your sanity! I still try to document the evidence, but it's trickier than you think. I knew if I stood there without trying to capture it and bring it into this world, it would of stayed with me longer.

One happened this morning right after I told the Universe "Clouds are not so bad, because they hide the dark helicopters and planes and keep them from being seen." I was happy the clouds were there. Maybe I would have a day off from from the usual strange events that seem to follow me around.

Not so fast, ha ha. When I walked back outside and looked up there was a flock of seagulls directly overhead flying in a star pattern in the gray sky. Clearly a star pattern! I stared at it for a few minutes and realized this was a UFO signature and so I ran to grab my camera phone to take a photo of it. When I finally got it on they flew above the clouds and out of sight. As I knew it would, but I still wanted to try to capture it...

You can watch more of it here on youtube -> http://youtu.be/j_mcv6lM4cc

As it was happening, I realized by accepting the universe it accepted me. It keeps reminding that it is a part of me now. We are playing with each other and it is fun. I can't wait to keep this game going!

Mission Blues

Nothing is worse then realizing the Truth. When I was 15, Light beings told me about this insect that feeds off of human emotion and how to kill is to wake up everyone's third eye. 

After that experience I started on esp science, though at the time I only called it ESP studies. I did the mission for some time and then I wanted to have sex. So I thought going into porn would be the best place to find it. 

Boy was I wrong... going into porn is the worse place to learn sex. Lesson was learned though. 

Now I am here typing this insane sounding shit that is really real. I have given up on porn because the Universe will not let me keep doing it. Though the last Eric John show I did, was epic!

I found out today (even though I have always known this shit) I am a ALIEN HYBRID BABY! With Human DNA but Alien Thoughts. *rawr* Bite that biscuit!

The planes and helicopters keep following me around and it is stupid to try to take pictures of them because my camera phone sucks. One day after I write some books, maybe I can find a helper to take photos for me that will be much better evidence. Until then, I need to focus on my Probability shifting lessons. 

I am trying really hard to Love humans and this inner city but it is hard. My heart cries to go back to the wild and get away. I am still here though fighting my inner demons working on breaking my mirror of self reflection so we can get this ball rolling faster!

Waking up

As much as I want to spend my life taking pictures of my probability shifts to prove it. The helicopters and airplane, I got other things to do. Relearning as much science as I can is my new mission. Also researching esp science is what I am spending my energy on.
Spending a day chasing the plans and choppers was fun though. I felt like a tornado hunter and it was nice. My Dream last nite told me though, that  I need to work harder to reach my real dream which is living in Hawaii away from a bunch of people where it is me and nature.
Giving me the ability to have a clear mind and a place to sit down and write books :)  I can't get there but until I do this mission first, I can't.
Kill the insect that is feeding off of human emotion. Lovely mission I got and its harder then it sounds. First I have to wake up all the humans aka ( potato heads ) UP! I am trying to love them but all they ever do is bite me in my ass. I feel like biting back and screaming "Fuck it!" Let this emotional eating alien keep eating this planet until they all kill themselves.
In the back of my mind though, I can't let this happen. As much as I hate everyone who has hurt me and left me to die, one person wanted me to live. That is enough for me, I guess. If there is love left in one human, maybe other humans can love like he did.
I am still breathing and that was my new years goal, was to stay alive. Now my goal is to keep practicing my probability shifting skills and learning esp science so we can pop this egg wide open and wake up everyone's

Interdimensional Rage

Note to self, NEVER ever Ever read youtube comments unless you want to have a bad day!

I won't ever forget that sound advice. People are so cruel, all they ever want to do is eat my bones till I am dead and gone, and God wants me to love Humans?

HAHAHAHAAAA

Yea right. Like I want to love a race that could give two shits if I was alive or not. Ok... So I had one fan that cared. One fan, out of all the people in my phone, I thought would call, and only one fan saved my life.

Wow. This world has hit a all time low. Parts of me is happy my one fan saved me from death's arms but still. The rest of the industry cares less and they love calling me the biggest pornstar melt down ever. The truth is, I am coming clean, not melting down. I did that the day I wanted to die because humans suck.

I keep trying to love this world everyday but it is so hard when people are still trying to eat you. Or call you crazy and nuts. I knew I would appear the most crazy girl and now it is my time to prove my theory. Is it crazy to believe UFOS are real inter-dimensional objects & fluoride (banned in Europe) is poison?

Jref Dreams

To be honest my Dream world is normal now and the Real world is a Dream. Every day there is something super strange that happens to remind me that the real world is a Dream now.

I am starting to sleep again but the dreams are so boring now because the real world is funnier again.

My memories are starting to return. I pushed them all out 4 years ago. I wanted to be normal so badly. I forced myself to forget about the inorganic beings and all the ufos that followed me around my whole life.

I wanted them out of my life so I could be normal. I tried every day so hard to be normal. I am normal now but with super psychic powers.

My goals and dreams are changing again and now I am focusing on what the Universe wants me to do. It wants me to follow my true dreams. 

If I had the money from JREF http://www.randi.org/ I would use it to build a school for other people to come and learn ESP. I forgot about my dream school because when your, so depressed everything fades from your mind and you become numb.

I was so numb for so long I forgot about all my dreams I had before porn.

For the last 6 months I was going threw so a bad Depression that I forgot all my dreams and only wanted to die, so I could be with God. Now God gave me a kick in the ass and said "Hey time to awaken the planet" At first I smiled and then I screamed "Fuck you!"

Now I am smiling again and the words " fuck you" are fading! :)

Probability Shifting

My New ability is probability shifting which is a Fun ability. Basically there is a infinite amount of probabilities in the Universes and there is a infinite amount of Universes. I can shift from one Universe to another Universe and pull things back from other universes into this one.

I am not scared of the Helicopters, but my hole life I have had a deep connection to them. Yesterday Nite I probability shifted one from one universe to another universe and drug someone else into the universe and they saw it with me.

I love dragging other people along because then I don't feel nuts because we both saw it happen at the same time.

Before I can help change the world and get you all to believe I have to learn how to control my ability. That is what I am working on know is learning how to control it. When I do, everyone will realize that there is different UNIVERSES :) NOT ONE BORING ONE!